The only notion that terrified me a lot as a child and a teen was being lonely.Deep inside I was that type of talkative and outgoing girl, full of life and energy.However, I wasnt accepted among my classmate . No one liked me or even approched me. I was as thin as a rake with lots of curls. I didnt know how to do my hair or how to wear clothes. I had no elder sister to help me because I was the eldest,and it was a dilemma for me. And I have attributed all my horrible emotions of loneliness to the way I looked.

        I couldnt shake anyone hand.  I felt pain and shame at the same time. Then, I decided to keep myself away from people and a long journey of enduring loneliness started. It was full of books, drawing,photos,imaginationand the bad habit of talking to myself like a mad person. In my final years of high school, girls started bullying me. As if they suddenly notice someone was there.

         But I was granted the power to continue because a candle was buring somewhere in my darkness.And it was my dream to enroll myself in a college in my city.At the doorstep of my college years, things dramatically changed and began to favor me. I have had it at last. Real friends and all those pleasurable emotions of friendship. I was accepted the way I was. It was me among them without boundaries or limits. This world was bigger than my school. My friends came from different Arab tribes in my region. This was the force for us to mingle together. No one knows anyone around. Unlike school where most friends groups were relatives.

                Finally , I cant blame my teenage classmate for not being my friend. Its their limited scope of thinking . I might do as they have done. No teen has the courage or the mentality to start a conversation with a girl like me. However , a handshake, a word , a hello or just a smile might mean a lot to a broken heart like me. we are created to be together and we are all in need to each other.

   There will be always moments  . You feel in them that you are standing all alone . 

    But this doesn't  mean that you are sad due to your loneliness  .

    Maybe your friends are in a very long vacation,  or maybe we are just moments  in each other lives . 

     But our journey is an individual one  in the most horrible way  , that we did never imagine  to be .

  No matter how hard we have tried to make interventions or calls for help  , by dragging  our families,  friends and love ones  .

           There will be that moments  of standing  alone  . 

    So , you are the person  who must determine how to continue  your own self journey.  

     This means , you should  be strong  . 

      Take  a deep breath  sit down  and fix your own problems  with your own self . 

       Never wait for the sound of a strong clap of someone  ,  to push you to continue   or even feel your self worth  . 

                            "  a translated text from Eygptain  Arabic dialect  by me  , the author  is unknown " 

    Sometimes people tend to give a judgement or believe in things related to some of the world big and rich culture . Just like that giving a false generalization according to one thought known about them . I have call it stereotype culture . We related many nations around the globe to one single form of act , food or manners in the same way we do with individuals.
Here we go to our comfort zone for a quick judgement , while we need more to judge and a lot of evidence .
       I was in the chat room with some of the club members and we came to the story of Ali Baba . This story was taken from the 1000 night and night tales or tales of Arabia and it resemble nothing in front of the big , rich heritage and culture of the Islamic civilization . Actually , the book from which the story was taken is considered to be a magazine for common people with no worth at that time . Educated and elite people never read such stories at that time of history .
One the other hand there were many interesting stories and some of them were real story for real men and women recorded from ancient times and near nations .
For example , " Kalellah and Domnah " the stories is with animals protagonists talking in deep wisdom about many life issues and it was translated into Arabic by Abdullah Eben Al mokafa a Persian .
        There that's story of " Hai Ben Yakthan " which can be considered as a scientific story for people to understand anatomy and many other concepts .
There that story about " Tawab and Zawabi " about the world of ghosts and jennis and many other things .
That's it :)

" take life as it is , not as it ought to be " I think that we can apply this saying in another direction . By using it to say that we should take people as they are with all of their flaws and mistakes . So , assuming perfection in people's behaviors is a sort of madness . Only those who look with a realistic eyes are the ones who will find comfort and relaxation .                                          

   Lowering our expectations is our way to safety in this case . Al Masseri an arab Eygptain thinker attribute all the human miseries to their endvours to create an earthly paradise . While , humans.  relationship are more complicated and cannot be predicted easily . To reply or mange human behaviors means dealing with a wide range of an open and endless possibilities , some of which      are vague ones . So , accept people as they are not as your mindset want them to be .

      Well , this is a common form of pray among people before  the arrival  of the Holy  days  of Ramadan  .  " Ya Allah let us reach Ramadan,  without  being missed  or missing someone.

    Who first said so valued much having his / her loveones  around  in the blessed days  of Ramadan. Because it would be painful missing these dear ones or being missed on the other hand.  

    This is a heart prayer for us all . A heart prayer that insists  on the value of living souls,  that can't be replaced for any material things . 

    When we miss someone we miss life it's self in that person  . The present of his existence  with all his unique prints  . Without others  there is only horrible emptiness  only . 

    In this Corona pandemic  we are missing  alot of souls  . So , let's  pray a lot for not being  missed  or missing  :) 

Life wasn't a romantic dream for women 50 years ago !!!!????

      They  were a group of realistic butterflies who knew how to be careful about their delicate wings .
And in their demands and needs from men they didnt ask for fantasy at all .
The new carefully how to handel the swing of their masculine mood .
When to seek a a safe refuge and when to approach . Ships never sail in stormy weather and they knew that by their instinct .
      Women knowledge helped in protecting them from men burst of anger and kept them away from violence . Even if things went wrong for a reason or another the confrontation solution wasn't there . Women seek help from their families or relative to settle things down and get their rights back or leave their spouse when things seems to be difficult .
" a man is a coil " you can't hold in your hand " a man neck is made of strong wild olive trees " so you can't bent .
      However , what media is spreading about men nature is generally false and fake . Men are stubborn and they are no children with mustaches . Men aren't kids or boys . I am not saying that to erase all the merits of them but to confess to my sister women the truth , which is , there's no man on the whole earth a woman can play with , enslave or put under control .
A man can make you happy if he wants to only .

A well with no depth
Blackness down .they say that the water ,
Goes down to the underground ،
They say that they have tried to measure it's length
But the long rope ended and the depth didn't end
It's far down in the earth core ,
Finally they fenced it to protect people ,
From swimming down to their death ,
However it the Arab history books there is that story
A man pail fall down and his rope was cut
While others around him took their share of water
He delayed getting his pail until night ,
Because many where standing around
And at night he dived deep in the Blackness of its water
And struggled with death to woke up in a path .
The path lead him to a cave .
And the cave opened to another world .
With rivers , forest , lakes and strange trees.
Then someone told him he must leave
He left with a tree leave like an elephant ear ,
To proof his journey .
But when he came out .
He was there for 3 days .
People were about to leave .
They thought he was drowned .
This is a mystery .
Days ago I took a tour in our Valley and went to see the Wells around our house .
Old wells digged by our grandfathers there were sculpted in stones and rocks .
I wonder where did they get their strength to do such a tiresome job .
They were deep down .
But all the Wells were fenced to protect people and each well have its name .
Our parents used to tell us horrible stories to keep us away from them
However they story that I mentioned up is the most terrifying of them all .
The wall isn't in our Valley but in another village in the north .

  We need death to be on our list and plans . But death can't be planned or listed coz it's a destiny . It is the only thing that can beat us .
We can prepare our selves for death as it their in my Islamic culture . Death is only a gateway to another life that goes far beyond our senses or realization .
3 months ago , I didn't imagine that death will be hovering over my family house , just to take someone away and leave it's wound in my soul .
     My youngest daughter said : " it have been a month and I didn't see Hanan after her death "
Death is a one way ticket . Those who leave can't return back . In her childish realization she thought that her aunt will visit us back .
Hanan had her own special death . She died in Allah holy land were the our prophet lived most of his live .where the angles circle the sky .
And in front of the Holy Kaabah her body lied to be prayed upon . She was lucky Allah took her to his place to the light to be close to him .
    " Death is the truth " " When death stands , the illness of death stands " As people of my tribe say and when I saw my sister face I thought that must be the end of her life .
She struggled until the end she held to life but it was her time to go . The last scene no one was drown in sadness expect my mom . My elder brother sent us money and kept silent another brother of mine told us she is going to die and we should help her unitl she leaves .
Only mom had that hope that she will be okay . " she has made us sad , a sadness like the drops of the Sky "
Can rain drops or tears heal us and purify our souls.
She wrote in her journal that she saw a dream .
" she saw herself cutting from her flesh and feeding it to her cat . Then saw a tear in it eye . The most honest tear it was "
In Allah holy land and his secure and safety my sister Hanan

  It's an deep saying from our heritage " He who shows what he doesn't have , is wearing 2 gowns of deception .
   In that far away time people considered anyone who make a big show of himself as a person wearing deception something that covers the reality of his / herself .
Today some people are having their own PhD of deception through the social media and they are showing us a fake designed life . This life of them are making some of us unsatisfied and miserable toward our selves .
The gowns of deception are everywhere around us .
    Some just want you to feel bad , to tease you and give you that sorry feeling about yourself while you might be living a better situation than more of them .
" A gown of pretending is transparent
And when if you wore it , you will be naked "
My quote is from Altahami poem .
     Such a gown won't cover you . It stripes you out of credibility . Just don't wear it . You can be patient choose to be strong or ignore what hurts you until it becomes nothing . But never wear the gown of deception to mislead others .

         When I was younger at my 20s , I used to be fascinated about other people .
Knowing others for me at that time was literally a treasure . In an age with no social media apps . I used to have my own skills to start up a conversation and then move on to make a strong friendship and I was blessed and still with my friends from the English Department .

           In my humble opinion , knowing people add alot of experience to my blank head . I used to enjoy all our activities at the college campus . We have gone through a lot of wonderful things like our charity bazaars , where we used to cook and sell our foods .
No one can enjoy life by his own . We are designed to live as a complete whole rather than individuals . Actually , people can reach perfection only in one way when they cluster together to form an amazing colorful mosaic .
      One hand only slap the .......... but 2 hands can work and create . However , many hands form a great society or civilization .
I don't know when in the course of history loneliness started to be a praised merit related to be a special person .
        We are becoming more and more isolated and it is killing us . It is against our nature .
I can claim to give our age the nickname of " the mental disorder era "
We have almost everything we want but we are in our lowest rate of satisfaction and security .
We need to get back to our real roots . To stand together with all our paradoxal behaviors , talents , advantages or disadvantages and find the meaning of our real existing . We need our friends to bat our back and our foes to ignite our survival skills .

I was falling from the top ,
The air was slamming my body strongly ,
And it was cutting me ,
And suffocating my breath ,
Falling from the top ,
My poor body collide to every rock ,
Every stone ,
Every thistle ,
And every tree with throne
And death wasn't there
Unfortunately ,
I was living ,
But I couldn't move a finger of mine ,
The strong air took my hearing ,
My eyes were fill of dirt
My head swinging back and forth
Down in the valley ,
And the mountain was so far up
And I was so far down ,
And living ...
A bad feeling is a fall
All of the sudden a mischievous laughter echoed through the painful silence ,
It was them who pushed me down ,
Them who wanted me to alone ,

This isn't that usual question . We have learnt to answer in our primary schools days , with a lot of childish pride .

It's more than that . It goes far to the early Islam civilization and was
associated with a horrible pandemic the spread among big Islamic cities at that time .
The face of a sick person had 3 colors red , yellow and blue . As long as his face is red or yellow , there is hope for him to survive but if his face has the blue color , that's mean he is going to die .
The 17 hejrah century black death ended in away or another . Only one thing was kept from that time until today .
The greeting " what's your color " that most of people use instead of saying " how are you " without know the connotations that stands for this sentence .
So , what we will have from Corona pandemic . What legacy will be pass to the comming generations after a 1000 year from now .

   I hate it when people greet me with a post taken from Google ( ready made )
It is like paying for an artifical fruit juice or making your own hand made glass of it , the second one is healthier .
Today's modern technologies are tearing our humanity into small meaningless parts ready to use or used many times by others .
     We have lost our humanity and it's divine touch upon things , in a big horrible market, that can sell us everything include our feelings and emotions in plastic bags.
Back in the 80s people of my own small community used to refuse getting paper cards as an invitation for a wedding or disapprove it as away of inviting people to attend someone celebration .
No matter , how colorful or expensive the card was it was worthless in their eyes .
The proper and most suitable way was inviting people by phone calls or comming to their houses to invite them . I wondered why did they insist on that way . They did consider giving a card as a sign of dislike and disrespect .
     They were close to their innate human pure nature , where , communicate orally and physically is the only tool of expressing their emotions . How can anyone dare to skip their presence and existence and give them a piece of dead paper that don't speak a word and won't give a huge or a kiss .
    As we driven far away from our human nature by the winds of today's civilization , culture and ways living . People are tolerating these things more and more .

    Accepting their waste land and waste feelings as the pressure get stronger on their heads , they lost everything about their human nature .
In this Eid I sent a message online to one of my friends " Happy Eid . How are doing ? How's your kids ? "
Her reply was a ready made greeting card like an eye sore . I have been shocked . She didn't even bother to answer my question or to greet me back .
We are going to be machines and that is horrible . Some say that we will be genetically modified sooner or later . To do only certain task . If this happen I will flee away to a mountain top to keep my human nature safe .

    We will never grow too old to learn new things . It is our nature as human . Learning isn't a part of an educational system with a certain curriculum .
Learning is a big topic that covers a wide range of things , especially when it comes to human nature and how to deal with some kind of personalities .

    Some people do sugar coat their behaviors just to get things or achieve certain goals or have the latest news from your mouth .
Well , there is no problem in dealing with others in a transactional way . It is part of our humanity and a way of communication . Not all our talks will be emotional and warm .

  However , you get that feeling of bitterness when some people start things , in the wrong way with you .
The story behind this long introduction is meeting my neighbor for the first time . So , a mid of this Corona virus quarantine . She started to build a relationship with me . I admit that I felt happy because , I have no friends at all in real world and I was very excited to visit her in her near apartment .

    As the whole things started . She begun to text me on the watts and asking for everything from my kitchen . I was annoyed because I didn't think she was in real need for these things . I thought she was only teasing me . Maybe I was wrong or something .

  Then , she invited me to her apartment and insist that I should come and under her insistence and the quarantine state of complete boredom . I decided to see what lays there behind the fence .
All of the sudden , things begins to get clearer and I started to see a woman that is not my cup of tea at all .
She was that kind of people who wants to give you that bad feeling about yourself and the whole world .
She kept on provoking me during the meeting . Throwing her negative words over me from time to time and like pouring more tea in my cup , as if her tea will erase her bad manners . I don't want to go into more unnecessary details about our talk .

                 But I can say , that I have learned a lesson that I should never give anyone
Such a me and her sitting alone . It isn't that easy some people have bad intentions toward others . They are waiting to get the chance to spite their poison . Don't let them do it . Nothing worth enduring their behaviors .
    I won't hate my neighbor at all . It is I have made a decision never to meet or visit anyone I don't know very well and that relationship must be cooked on low heat .