You always hurt me, like nothing is good enough. I see you are damaged yourself that is why you come to me with these words. If I believe them I become like you. now I see it through. before I was so mellow, so believable to think that I can take these words seriously. not knowing who I am. as I am growing older ever day I understand everything more. with this knowledge I will continue living and hope to get the life experience I deserve. as people grow older and their experiences grow, they can use this experience to help the people around them. cheers and peace. 

but one thing, do not accept words that do not belong to you. they are only a reflection of other person who is seeing you as their mirrors. know who you are and everything will fall into its place.

but I have to admit that every time someone intently or not intently is hurting me, it always caught me by surprise and indirectly makes me feel bad or sad. I hope one day I am strong enough to say no to these words because I have no choice but to live around this situation.

Ik ben kapot van binnen. vernietigd, kapot gemaakt, in duizend stukken.

het doet zo pijn, alsof ik mezelf nog meer pijn wil doen om te weten hoe echte pijn voelt.

alsof ik mezelf wil steken om de pijn die ik van binnen voel een plek te kunnen geven.

ja je bent gehoord. zoveel pijn voel ik. het is kapot gemaakt. ik ben gebroken.

nog nooit dacht ik dat ik zulke pijn zal voelen. toch weet ik dat ik jaren later met geluk terug kijk. dit is mijn leven, dit is mijn ervaring. hoe pijnlijk het ook is. pijn moet je voelen en vervolgens zal het een plek krijgen.

I am destroyed inside, damaged, hurled in 1000 pieces. it hurts so much as if I would like to hurt. myself to know how real pain feels. as I want to cut myself to give that pain a voice. yes you are hurt, so much pain, it is destroyed, I am broken.

never did I thought I would feel such pain. still I know that years later I would like back with gratefulness, this is my life, this is my experience, no matter how painful it is. pain has to be felt to be able to let it rest.

https://www.speakpipe.com/voice-recorder/msg/kfeqz4j2hhazo3uk

I want to dance

Like the sun is shining

My heart remains yours forever

I want to keep shining

As my remembrance will withhold me from my fears

And conquer all the adversity

My faith 

07-01-2017_04-19_msg535291.mp3

It has been a long time that I recorded a song.

This blog post is about that you should protect yourself and believe in yourself.

Understand your boundaries and don't let someone cross it.

Only this way you will learn who you truly are :)

Good luck !!!

Whenever love was not love to start with,

when the love became toxic and unhealthy,

when it became unbalanced and pain,

when it became a living agony, a place not to be,

where do you stand?

where do you want to be?

when love is not love to begin with,

what you will do?

--------------------

:)

When  it comes to self-confidence,

you are happy you are never alone,

someone who continue criticising you and making you feel unhappy, complaining,

bullying you, comparing you continuously, not able to communicate or control his emotions, 

is basically not worth the time. 

Somehow it is clear to me that love is unconditional. 

It is also clear to me when it is not love anymore. 

I remember that one person.. if you please them, they become worse, they think they hold the power over you as they need control and reassurance to thrive on. 

Making it clear that love is not a prison, making it clear to myself that I can free myself from this situation and be truly happy and live life the way it should be. 

Do not let a ghost daunt on you and make your life a hell.

But rise higher than the universe can give you and become a star of enlightenment.

This week I attended a big event that is called: The Amsterdam Produce Show. This show is organised in different places: New York and London. This year was the first year that it took place in Amsterdam.

It was a pleasure that I could attend this event and I learnt many things during this show. This show took 3 days long. Every day, it started since the morning and ended in the late afternoon.

I belonged to the Peruvian delegation. The Trade Commission of Peru in the Netherlands picked me up at the GroentenFruithuis. GroentenFruithuis is an organisation that speaks on behalf of the fruit and vegetable sector in the Netherlands. The Trade Commission brought us to several logistic companies to show the possible logistic partners for the Peruvian delegation. It was interesting as each logistic company showed their techniques and specialization. Some have 25 years of experience in ripening and transporting avocado. Others were more specialized in exotic fruits.

At night there was a cocktail party to join with all the attending companies for this event. It was a great opportunity to see who attended at this scenery and a moment to share knowledge and to network.

While the next day arrived, it was the moment to present your products to the outer world! Me and my partner were part of the Peruvian stand and we represented Peru with 2 other Peruvian companies and the Trade Commission of Peru. Our concept was based on sustainability and circular economy to be applied on the supply chain of importing and exporting exotic fruits from Peru to the Netherlands.

We had the opportunity to meet many companies that do business in the fruit and vegetable sector that wanted to expand their products globally. Also we had the opportunity to see which item is truly appreciated in this market. For example: avocado, mango and sweet potatoes are the 3 products that are famous from Peru. These 3 products are well-known to be exported to Europe and the rest of the world. We were specialised in exotic fruits and chili: Ajies, Camu Camu and Lucuma.

This day was a very long day with many seminars to share and gain more knowledge. Their was one panel with expertise about the sustainability of the supply chain from Peru and Netherlands in the fresh produce. The conclusion was that there are several points that are hard to be solved. For example the standards that are given to the producers as a proof in the market that their products are based on sustainability. This concept faces double standards in practice as the farmers try to receive the standard while the importance of the quality of the products is merely the case anymore. This was and should be the focus point. After an hour of discussion, the panel found out that this problem might be hard to solve, at this moment they also do not have a solution for it.

The last day was a tour of retail markets. For me this tour was less interesting as for my fellow companies as I already seen the supermarkets before. In this case I also left earlier after saying goodbye to the people that I met during this event.

At the end I could say that I learned many things about people, network, the fresh produce chain, important fresh products from Peru to Europe and many more things. What was most worthwhile of this event was the possibility to find out more about who you are and what you can do for this world.

I know a story about a man.

Who said he loves a woman,

but the only thing he can say is: I love you.

The relationship is crying,

The man just told that.. :'Before your feelings were important to me, but now I don't seem to care."

The woman said: "But why??"

And the only answer he can give her is his arrogant face: "I don't care."

Then he continues, assuming talking about nemesis while there are not.

But he doesn't understand that the only thing she wants is someone who does care instead of thinking bad about her.

Strangely enough, this man doesn't understand. Despite she said: "you are free, because we should trust."

But he still doesn't understand what it is all about when she asks him questions, the only thing he thinks is nemesis.

But why, where is the thing then, does it make sense? Doesn't he want things better?

Love is stronger than a selfish ego who cannot communicate.

I remember all the times how u treated me like ****, when graduated, you decided what we ate.

How lovely you can talk and with me with a face and call me worse names.

You are an inspiration for making a rap song.

Something you never listened in your life.

The more attention you give him, the more he feels powered up.

Who is the man behind the mask.

I saw when I defended myself and look you straight in the eyes.

Love is a strong definition.

If you cannot make someone feel loved and happy by being your vulnerable genuine self, you do not deserve to be with this someone.

You told me you are alone in everything.

But the one who is, is me. Facing it, pain in myself.

For the record, something you never understood between you and me, always thinking it is about jealousy.

Keep dreaming on, let me tell you the truth in your face.

It is about reminiscence about the past. About reminding and longing for these attitude, these feelings and relationship while we don't have but you seem to can with any other breathing being in this world.

So next time when you think about it is about a nemesis or about your fantasy infantile jealousy, please keep in mind, it is about longing for the same respect and love you can give to a human, the interest.

It just reminds me how we used to be before you brainwashed yourself into the man you don't want to be.

Treat me like a slave for you to make, the only thing that can be said is: did you eat?

One word more or less is accompanied with belly pain, an excuse or another shame.

Afraid to face himself but tries hard to be. At the same time doesn't know what or where he is living or wants to be.

If you feel bored with me, please tell me so, but the response I get is shallow, same as these words he mentioned and made me feel ...

At last I realize, looking up the definition of nemesis, that the truth is,

you are my nemesis.

When cats are chasing mice, the mice are trying to escape. Sometimes they are not lucky enough and the cats catch them. It all depends how it will turn out. When they escape, they are considered lucky. A cat-and-mouse fight can be applied to many situations.

In British history, the Cat and Mouse Acts were applied to women in 1913. This period of time, women were fighting for their rights in Britain. The feminist movement started with the Suffragists. The characteristic of this group of leading ladies was that they did not use violence to impose the improvements of their rights. Later, the Suffragettes, led by Emmaline Pankhurts, used violence to receive more attention from the authorities. This had eventually led to the Cat and Mouse Act. This act was carried out to use the Suffragettes as a martyr. The Suffragettes were in hunger strike to embarrass the government. The government used their method to make the Suffragettes weaker by arresting and putting them in the prison. The women will be force feed to keep them alive. Once they were notably weak enough to not be able to cause problems in public, they received a licence to be out of prison. They were arrested for small acts and the ritual repeated itself.

When it comes to relationship, a cat-and-mouse fight, could also be applied. Imagine, when two people cannot stop fighting about something, they repeat the whole time the same circle which they cannot escape from. From experience, I can tell it is hard to escape from this vicious circle once you are in it and not able to see the whole picture. In this situation, it is good to see that both people are merely a reflection of each other. One person acts, the other reacts, which causes the pattern to repeat and stay until one person is able to bring new memories that are not focusing on that vicious circle that was once created. It is good to have a clarity of mind, to know what is important for you as an individual (maybe you need to let go of certain things or rethink your values in able to keep them). This in return will contribute both people.

"Know thyself." -Pausanias