Writing tast 2 (academic)
((I do the test in a not English speaking country))
Present a written argument or case to an educated reader with no specialist knowledge of the following topic:
More and more qualified people are moving from poor to rich countries to fill vacancies in specialist areas like engineering, computing, and medicine, Some people believe that by encouraging the movement of such people rich countries are stealing from poor countries. Others feel that this is only part of the natural movement of workers around the world.
-What is your opinion?
-Do you think rich countries should pay poorer countries for the people they encourage to come?
-What other measures could rich countries take to encourage qualifed people to stay and help their own countries?
You should write at least 250 words.
__________________________________________________ _______
My essay is as handwritten (without corrections of misspelling or punctuation):
Business is business, that what most of people say avoiding calculating the fact that we all live in one world. So rich countries can't move forward without counting the momentum that pulls them back with the wheel of development, which is the poor countries. And because they are only caring of themselves I could say they are stealing the minds of poor countries for the aim of more power.
Now take the Gulf and Saudi Arabia for instance, they bring the workers in-needs with low salaries and lack of guaranties just to help lowering their out come neglecting the fact of being selfish on the humanitarian side.
Moving to the western countries, those are considered as the pole of gravity for the minds in the world. We can see them also helping oppression on one hand and gaining more profits with researches and technologies on the other hand. Adding also how they are keeping the poor countries as a market for their old technologies. That itself is a selfish way of treating people out there and not ethical at all. All the united states-for example, is built with the hands of migrated people.
It's also appropriate to mention that there is no pure breed and all races are mixed as we developed along the history, so it's a duty for every developed country to not steal from those who helped it once but better to help them to better their conditions.
The ideology of moving alone has been proven wrong. And you can't move fast if your have to cary someone can't walk. But you can help him/her to depend on themselves.
What in brief can be summed is that rich countries don't have to do more than helping the poor countries being competitive to their own. That if they want to move the wheel of development forward. And if they kept their inhumane stratigies with poor countries, they are facing a danger can be described as a pulling-back force that they can't handle.
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Replies
Dear Omar,
very well done!
I'm not a teacher to mark your essay but I can give my opinion about your writing. First, it wasn't clear for me if you agree with the topic that the developed countries are stealing or not. In your introduction, you should mention if you agree or disagree.
Then, you can give your reasons why you think that way. You gave some reasons and backed them up by examples , however, they seemed a little bit vague to me. The structure is like this you should first give a "Topic sentence" and then explain it and then give some examples. You wrote two examples at the beginning of your paragraph without explaining them at first. So, it makes me confused and I have to read your essay so many times so that I can get what you mean.
And, some of your punctuation is not right. We don't use comma before "That" and we don't use contractions in a formal way. So, you shouldn't use "So (So, ....) rich countries can't move (can not move=correct) forward without counting the momentum that pulls them back with the wheel of development, which is the poor countries." A comma should be used after so.
That also join two sentences together and I've never seen to be used in the beginning of a sentence while wanted to join two sentences. If you want to point out at something, you use it but for joining two sentences, it's wrong to be used.
I hope these help you. It's really admiring that you wrote the article and I can tell the topic is so difficult. So, I wish you the best.
Nafis
Thanks Nafis.
:)