So another year has gone. I became one more year older, but my heart still beats even having undergone an opened heart surgery for ASD (atrial septal defect - mending of a hole in the heart) years ago. I still feel the pounding of blood in my veins. Even after so many years of struggles, prays, ponderings I still could not kill the devil within me. Still, sins and wrong deeds occurred. I still could not keep the ablution of my eyes intact. Though I turn my eyes away, but could not close the inner eyes.
I keep seeing what I should not in spite of turning my eyes away. I keep hearing what should not be in spite I close my ears. I still hear the voices.
After all these years struggle (“riazat” in Arabic-Farsi-Urdu) I am still standing below the first step of shrine wanting to purify my soul. But now when I am at the threshold at the beginning of the ending I still feel the same heaviness within me. My tears have not lightened me. I still do not have anything to present to HIM, BUT I am still thankful that I still have the sense and ability what deed of mine is good and what are bad. I still am able to differentiate between good and evil, though always attracted towards evil and malign my soul, later PERSPIRATION OF SHAME and nothingness and the tears which always are the ablution of eyes and heart, I have the firm HOPE that I will be forgiven. I always talk with HIM, tell HIM my feelings, my pains, show HIM shattering of my soul, beg Him to mend it, beg HIM to engulf me with HIS MERCIFULNESS, HIS BLESSINGS. I am HOPEFULL that at last, I will be in PEACE.
Comments
Thanks Eva.
You said... "So another year has gone" ... This means you had birthday recently, is that true? Or is it the date of surgery you are referring to?
Self reflection, self critique and self awareness are very essential qualities and you have them all. It is not a person like you, who has to worry about a thing.
If we by end of the day, can go to bed with a clam heart knowing that today we managed to preserve another persons self respect, dignity and integrity, then we do not have to worry about a thing.
There is only one power that can see and read our minds - God - If we did injustice we will be accountable for it.
You are good hearted person and you have nothing to worry about, I wish for you to always be strong, healthy and happy.
Thanks Laboni for praying for my welfare.
Further thanks for liking my writings.
Like the way you describe you feeling..
Stay blessed
I can't hide from Allah so what if I share my inside with others (though not all). Thanks Sewar for the comment. I like that.
Oh my God!!! As if you are speaking on behalf of my soul. My friend, the only thing which calms my soul down every time I feel shame of my deeds is; the strong believe which I holed it in my heart that the mercy of God is boundless and encompasses everything. I am sure that I am included and every one who has a clear conscience as well. My friend lucky you that you easily can share your inner thoughts with us without any feeling of shame. I hope one day I follow your shoes. May your sweet dreams be touchable.
-
1
-
2
-
3
of 3 Next