Hi, my friends! I have promised you to start a new challenge where
you will be able to write your stories using your own vocabularies. So, here you are! After reading all your comments to my previous blog I decided to give you an opportunity of trying yourselves in two ganres: SCI-FI and TRILL/HORRORS. Here are the rules:
1. Each of you can write a story in both ganres.
2. The word limit is 200 words.
3. You vocabulary is unlimited.
4. All stories within the word limit will be corrected.
When you are done, we will estimate your stories and will have the winners in both ganres. As usual, our winners will get some modest prizes from us.
I have to beg your pardon in advance as we will not be able to correct your stories at once. Please, be patient.
Please, start posting your stories here naming the ganre, OK?
I will be able to enter EC only on Tuesday or Wednesday. Hope, you will have a great weekend and great creative work for your brains!
Comments
Peppo! I haven't said a word about the title of your story although I have to. You said there is no sunlight there, in the sphere. You titled your story "The Sun in my Sphere", but what do you mean? What replaces the sun? It is not clear.
Dear Peppo! Here are my corrcetions of your sci-fi story. It is not bad at all. I like its idea and the plot, but your last sentence (I underlined it) spoils my impression. First, it is not clear. What do you mean? Is that system assembled of the parts of different individuals? Then, what is wrong about it? Besides, the last sentence should be one of the most expressive. Please, change that sentence and your story will be very good, OK?
The Sun in My Sphere
I feel like waking up. A sleepy feeling, numb arms and body, I even want to yawn. Slowly opening my eyes, I see a familiar ceiling with a few dim lamps. I recall being woken up by the same person in this place many times.___ This person is a Beast. As usual, he wrapped himself inside his desk beside me. It is an egg machine where he is assembling my body parts. I can see his hand movements and notice him not to join my legs yet.
“When was the last time I died?” I ask him with a perfect, complex voice; he has done something with my vocal cords.
“A month ago”
“That’s quite fast. I remembered being revived___ after three months or so last time. What’s going on?”
“Those damned Garudas, they are kicking me out of the guild”
“My... You must be doing bad”
“I was killing....”
“I told you it’s not suitable for your ___ age”
“I was trying to kill that Seraphim, the Fallen angel was there and I almost got him”
“Did you?”
“Almost”
“Okay, then?”
“They came to the guild and killed everyone there as a revenge for me”
“That’s a genocide! A leisure time to Diablo”
The Beast is still working on my legs, almost done. I am imagining how mad Savi and Alex are of this foolish accident___ trying to regain my memories back. We are living in a strange dark place, why? Because there is no sun, we call it the sphere. Even though, __electricity and connection are free. It had been a regular human society until some people realized their freedom and potential. We are human, yet we are immortal with unlimited resources and technologies. We bear the power of Gods, who needs any government and regulations here? Each of us can live on his own, without other’s help. Then it __ happened. The revolution,__ demolishing of the rules and laws, no more borders, we experienced ‘total freedom’, a starting point for the further ‘chaos’.
It was a difficult time for us, the total freedom is not good at all. It was a nightmare everyone’s willing to forget. I, myself, deleted it from my long-term memory. Such things aren’t worth remembering. Almost all people did the same, that age was forgotten, it became the dark age for us.
I said we are ‘immortal’, yes. But we can die. We can revive one of us by storing his/her memories and personality in a device we call __ ‘a drive’ to restore them in a new body. Robotic body? Nope, we are at the highest level of technology, we can assemble a human body from flesh and blood, problem? Yeah, our new system was built from this.
Dear Barnaby! It is not that easy to offend me, but quite easy to make me arguing and it is what I am going to do right away. The term "brain washing" is not new at all. If you read something about the Soviet times in Russia or the current Russian government, about the North Korea, Cuba or other totalitarian societies, you would come across this term many times as it is exactly what those governments were or still doing with their nations. Besides, in sci-fi stories we can use nonexistent words as we speak about fictional events. Just read Stephen King! He invents new words all the time!
Well, your story is good enough. It doesn't need my corrections as you know everything yourself. Anyway, I will mention that people sit on a chair or in an armchair.
Dear Jade! I like people who can stand up for themselves. My applause! Now, about your story. I see that I got everything right except TV and your last sentence that was really very hazy.
So, I think there is no need to correct paragraph 1. There is no difference if she got on a bus or a train. She could meet that policeman on the bus.
I have to apologize for the senseless correction of TURN UP. I did it just automatically. And you are so right correcting me. Sure, she turned the volume up (but you didn't write the word VOLUME). I am sorry. I have to be more attentive. I returned your TURN UP.
Now, about the last sentence. Dear! It was so unclear, but now I see what you meant. So, I have just corrected it as following " After I had finished my vegetable salad, I decided the last act of the show was to make believe I was a broken - hearted widow". I hope, you will agree with my version. It expresses your message.
As to all your explanations, I believe you have expressed yourself very clearly. Sometimes, only one right word or expression can give a reader an idea of the author's message. Your VEGETABLE SALAD, your RECIPES given to the policeman's wife speak much more that 100 useless words.
So, to conclude, you have written a brilliant story! And this fact has already been recognized by our main literary critic, Mr. Mishaikh! I hope, you will take part in my last blog, too.
Thank you for great pleasure I've got reading your story over and over!
Danny, Should that not be "Brain washing course" Your suggestion seems a bit back the front unless that is aa American term. Hope not to offend.... Barnaby
Dear Danny! I’m sorry that I should have follow the rule of word limit. I’m very happy to know you like my story! I intended to tell a real thrilling story happening in millions of families. Thank you for your corrections! I think my English is not good enough to tell my intention well. So there’s something I have to explain.
Paragraph 1. Before: I’m on the only long distance bus leaving. After: I’m on the long way and my bus is leaving.
Paragraph 2. After: I squinted at him out of the corner of my eye and picked up the remote control to turn off__TV. “No one will hear you, my darling.” Before: … to turn up the TV.
Paragraph 3. Before: The last stage of the show was to pretend to be a tragic new widow after I finished my vegetable salad. After: After I had finished my vegetable salad, the last act of the show only pretended to be tragic!
Hope I made my story better understood. I have to admit it’s really not easy to make a plan perfect. (A former version of my story is longer than this one, as I made the policeman mentioned in the first paragraph become another target of the ideal murder, because he ignored the main character’s request for help. I didn’t mention that, but I think he has already on his way to death due to the recipes taught to his wife.)
Thank you so much for your time.
Dear Tanya! I’m so glad to know you like my story. I’m sure both of you have healthy lifestyle. Sometimes I’m just disappointed with the food industry and the fact that many people tend to eat too much rubbish food which may kill them. So I had one of them killed in my story.
Sorry that I am always beating about the bush in my story. Yes, it is. “a new calendar” in my story means that the date when she leaves the village is the beginning of a new period of her life, as she successfully got away from the murder of her husband. “1102 days” mentioned at the beginning is to imply that she counted her days in the village like in prison.
Hello Danny, I originally made a comment on your challenge on October the 21st. Below is a 200 word extract from my story about a Malaysian Princess who lived 500+ years ago. The story develops into a Paranormal thriller but that is a complete novel. 200 words is just a wafer of the complete story.
Here are my 200 words:-
Ming-huá slowly opened her eyes while turning her head to her left. Instantly she covered her mouth with her hand to muffle a shriek. Sitting in the other chair was a beautiful young Chinese princess.
Ming-huá was speechless so terrified was she. Speaking in a quavering voice.
“Who are you? Where did you come from?” inquired Ming-huá in a low voice.
“My name is Puteri Hang Li Poh. I am a prisoner within these walls.” She replied.
“But the doors are open. They were locked but somehow they became unlocked and I entered. You can leave now” Said Ming-huá.
“That is a long story, my friend.”
“How can you be Hang Li Poh? She was a Princess of long go. How old are you?”
Ming-huá’s mother called near the stairs.
“Where are you Ming-huá? Are you talking to someone?”
Ming-huá turned her head toward the open double doors.
“I am just here and talking to myself.” She replied.
“Well come along now wherever you are. We have to go.”
Ming-huá turned to where Hang Li Poh was sitting but she had vanished. All that remained was her gold inlaid black fan, lying on the top of the tea table.
As a matter of fact, "the course of necessary" should be something like "washing brain course"
Dear Serene! It is my understandind of the end. But you can correct it, no problem ,as it is your idea
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