ESL Blogs

CONFESSION 

There may be thousands of lovers, but rarely there is one who is set on the level of a beloved.  How nice it is to make you feel complete that there is someone in a corner of this earth who thinks about you, cares about you in his solitude.  Your memory spreads a sweet smile on his face.  I remember the day, I was a child, your dad brought me home after my parents died, I was alone, he adopted me as his son.  When I entered the house, I saw your face, smiling at me, looking at me in the way that made me forget my suffering.  I also remember the first night when I could not sleep.  I was sitting on a couch in the living room.  You came downstairs, sat beside me and drag me to lie down on your lap. You caressed my hair, kept quiet, didn’t say a word, but tried to soothe me, to make me sleep on your lap.  And I fell asleep.  That was the very first day I realized what a love is.  

Since then we had been together, we grew up together.  Our dad was so happy seeing us together on all occasions.  Then you got a job, and you fell in love with one of your colleagues.  You told me about that.  I was not happy, but seeing you happy I made myself agreed with your happiness.  I thought, rather I believed that you also loved me the way I do, though we never confessed it to each other.  But then I realized that you did not see me or think about me the way I had the feeling about you.  You told us, me and dad that you wanted to marry that guy.  Dad got shocked, he saw towards me, I gave him a slight nod, and he agreed, but I knew very reluctantly.  He later asked me, “Why?”, I said to him that should we both not be happy to see you happy, with whom you wanted to live happily.  Then you went away, far away to another place.    

When you were going, my heart was pounding so  that might there be no beating when you were gone.  It is very stubborn, still beating, I hear it in my ears.  When I place my hand on my chest I hear it as if it is your heart because we can feel our own heart, but others’ we hear.  I know it without knowing how I know, know it down to my soul where my connection had been connected to my blood.  I know that you have always been a part of me, as your breathing was my breathing, and your dreams were my dreams, and your blood was my blood.  I knew when your heart stopped mine would too, and I would be glad because I wouldn’t want even for one second the heart which does not have your beating.  Yes, where you go I will go, when you go I will go.  Yes, this is my confession.