Marriage and Ethics

Marriage is one of the most life changing events in a person's life. Having your first child is another along with having the child marry and present you with a grandchild. Marriage is considered very important to most religions and cultures. Everywhere the rules are a little different, but there are some central guidelines that that overlap between most peoples.There is no marriage without some disagreement or hurt feelings from one side or the other. Fighting or disagreeing with your spouse is common, at least over small issues.I think everyone will agree that there are good marriages and bad marriages.What in your opinion, makes a bad marriage? Or to ask differently, what do you think would make a marriage bad? What would make one good?

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  • I don't know that they are always inaccurate on purpose.
    My friend Doug has had 6 divorces and 6 marriages. Enough of those in the sample and it would look like all
    end in divorce.
    Commenting by phone if it works.
  • I don't know that they are always inaccurate on purpose.
    My friend Doug has had 6 divorces and 6 marriages. Enough of those in the sample and it would look like all end in divorce.
  • Caroline,

    I only want to clarify two things.

    1st - It sounds like they may have rushed into the marriage rather than taking a few years to get to know each other better. OK at their age, maybe a few years is too much, but at least, some months to get to know each other well enough. I agree that it is possible he was pretending to be a nice gentlemen and wasn't really. It would be interesting to hear his side of it too. At the age of 78 it may be hard to take a lot of criticism over your driving which you probably learned to do over 60 years ago. If you asked him he may be sorely disappointed too and the wonderful woman he had been dating turned into a nagging shrew--Just saying--.
    But you are right, people need to be prepared to communicate and to give. I think good preparation is sharing a dormitory room or apartment for school. A majority of people HATE their first roommate, at least for a while. And many times this amy have someone you were best friends with through high school. Even sisters sharing an apartment often turn on each other. This is like the adjustment period you mentioned.

    2nd - The statistics on failure rates of marriages are misleading. That is because the majority of the failing marriages are with people who have already gone through at least one previous marriage. A good number of them have had several previous marriages. I was not aware of this until recently, and had wondered at the large number of couples who have always been married to the same spouse. Each couple who has been married only once counts as one while the people who have been divorced 4 times count as 4 failures. If you look at the potential for failure of a first marriage it is much lower than the potential for failure of those who engage in serial marriage. That is interesting isn't it? You hear of the high number of failing marriages and you worry for the young couple getting married. But, when you find out that the failing marriages are often from people who have already been divorced, it puts the whole thing in a different light.

    Thank you so much for sharing this with us. It is good food for thought. : )

    Caroline Horton said:
    Deception during courtship
    I have a friend who is an older woman (72) entered into marriage with a man (78) she thought she knew very well. Turns out he was not who he portrayed to her. He was gentlemanly when they were out together in public and sweet to her. She thought she had found someone who would be a good companion in her later years. They would be good company for each other; could go to church together, and meet the problems and opportunites of life together. Well...he wasn't. He turned out not to be flexible or able to wait out the period of adustment newly-weds must endure at first. He didn't listen to her concerns or when she disagreed with him or expressed concern (with his driving the car in particular) he took it as a personal affront and bitter criticism instead of her concern for their welfare as a couple. It was hard for her to adjust to his habits because it was evidence everyday he was not who he said he was. It was enormously disappointing to her.

    He moved out taking all the articles he had contributed to the household-

    After the dust settled she said she breathed a sigh of relief.

    Often I hear the remark that once a man as "bagged" his woman (referring to successfully
    convincing her to marry him) he no longer tries anymore. I hear from women that men are clueless. With marriage in the United States failing at 50% I wonder if all prospective brides and grooms should go to premarital counseling . Many young people have no idea what it takes to stay married and sane. And then, there are few people who are sufficiently mature enough to be able ride out the good and bad and sacrifce their selfishness for the benefit of couple; themselves and their spouse. Maturity has nothing to do with age.
  • I agree Mohamed,

    Understanding, forgiving, and respecting all lead to loving and being more happy.
  • Dear Bob, what an intersting group and topics you have. I am really appreciating reading others comments and learnig about others lives.
    To come to the topic, we all women and men start a marriage with dreams and hopes in order to continue our road the better way it must be. But each person is unique; with an independent temper, personality and thinking. To continue life each one needs space, a correct freedom and if one of the two feels that his or her space is invaded by the other some persons will escape causing a lack of communication and a gap in the married couple's life.
    Communication, tolerence, respect, love and tenderness are the keys of a happy marriage, I think.Thank you for this good topic.
  • Dear Bob,

    I agreed with Nanou people marry for many reasons also there are many important things you have to do if you are get married to be honest , sincere , take care of each other and forgive.. etc.

  • Dear Bob,
    Thanks for your good wishes for me. You said it like how a father talk to his child. I have so wished the same for my own self (everybody wishes well for themselves too of course) but I understand that our future is not at our hand. We cannot predict our future. We can only prepare our minds for the future without knowing what is really for us. Whether we are at home or at work we face different types of people so we can just pray for our safety and hope that there'll be another day to come.
    Thanks Bob.
  • Firtly..thank you for sharing us this topic wich is so important;;;because evrybody get married of course.....i am agree with you when you said that there is no marriage without problems as long as the man is Fallible ..evrybody do folts Intentionally or Inadvertently .. so the wife must understand her hasband and don't blame him before knowing the reason why he did this mistake ..And of course the husband also should resect his wife and give her a value ..In short both must consult each other before doing anything then just they will feel the married life happiness ....though that does not mean there wont problems anymore but we can say the troubles will be less severity
  • @ Atika, I believe you are emphasizing participation by both of the people and in being honest and sincere. You also emphasize the importance of a lifetime relationship which will endure. The problem of one spouse being on a different wavelength and thinking and behaving differently than expected is a thorny issue. It hurts and like all thorns if you try to take it in hand it also hurts. That is something that the man or woman may be able to talk with friends, clerics, or professional counselors about. I believe like you do, that a person must work to make the marriage keep working. Sometimes marriage counseling can help too. I have never tried this myself, but if a professional can get the man and woman to talk about their "issues" and make them see they need to work on improving things, it would have to be a plus. Let's hope you never face these problems :)

    @ Nanou, I have to agree with your "many reasons" for marriage. I also will add that marriage is the proper way in most societies to bring a child into the world. Where religions have the strongest influence there are few children without a father, but we do see an increase in many places where a woman is not married and has children. This is not a very workable way to raise children if the mother does not work at a job. If she is gone to work, who raises the child. if she stays home with the child who pays for the food and clothing and place to stay. A rich mom might be able to hire help with the house and maybe not have to go to work, but is rarely the case. The government and the other people end up paying the cost of such births in most cases.
    You also emphasize communication and tolerance to make the marriage more durable. I have to agree that these things are very important as is honesty in dealing with your spouse. I think if all else is considered as reasons for marriage, the most important is to provide a stable and nurturing environment for the next generation.
    Religions emphasize marriage and if they did not the religion may not last too long. I think a religion which said, don't bother getting married would run short of followers in a few generations. There was one called the "Shakers" who did not believe in having sex. The only new members were orphans since a good follower could have no children themselves. They were gone pretty soon after the first generation had died out. You can look them up on the internet if you think I made that up :)
  • @ Lynne, I think some people did not learn the moral lessons of the religions that they may belong to. All religions tell people that they are to be good with their marriage partner. You have seen cruel people and I think all us may have to some degree. One who treats people lower than an animal is no better than an animal; if they are a husband, a wife, a boss, or anything else. Humans are meant to be kind and to treat each other properly. I hope you can have a happy life Lynne and avoid some of the bad people you have seen. Happiness should be our right. If we are unhappy we need to see what we can change to be happy and thankful for what we have, even if we have very little. There is always someone who may look like they have more or a better life. I think they sometimes are not really and truly as happy as the hungry person who has received a bowl of food and a safe place to sleep.
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