When your strength becomes your Weakness!

The concept of justice and equality is so inbuilt in my character that I want to see meritocracy winning everywhere! But that happens only occasionally. The problem with this technically right demand is that it leaves a person in hope and expectations. 

Hope and Expectations have a different face that we often do not discuss or try to ignore. That is despair and disappointment. If I invest time, emotions, money (although immaterial) and I work hard with sweat and blood that I do expect something in return. I do have a hope. I seek returns and when I do not get what I seek, I feel disappointed. 

Optimists say, "don't give us! keep trying buddy". Fair! But for how long? If I see things using my cognitive mind whether it even deserved my regret and pain. My mind say, "No", its not worth regretting. It says, "Dude, it's a long life, and regret is an expensive emotion. Don't waste it on people who don't even care". My problem is that I am an optimist and I use my brain as well. What happened to be my strengths are now conflicting with each other. I'm in the constant state of war with myself.

The irony is that I thought in past that, even the person for whom I am investing this much of time and emotions will be my strength one day. But sometimes, somethings are written by almighty, what people usually call destiny (Although I believe that we write our own destiny but here I concede that yes sometimes we can't). 

The benefit of bringing destiny in the game is that we can easily put the onus of defeat on the luck, time, circumstance etc (but not on my own or the other person of the story). I feel it's an euphemistic way to get rid of our responsibility. Yes! inherently I take responsibilities for my failures. I agree. I regret. I bounce back and I correct my mistakes. It's not easy to accept your mistake because in that process you have to kill your ego. But I do and in this way I ended up saving relations.

It's just not about relations. It's about every aspect of life. If I fail in waking up early I agree that I did mistake at night. If I fail in reaching late in classes, I agree that I was lazy in morning (and I don't say there was a lot of traffic). By doing so, I put a moral responsibility over myself of not repeating the mistakes. This is a quality I am usually proud of! Because it puts me in a self correcting mechanism where I can evaluate my self and I can correct myself. 

The unfortunate part of this trait which is reflected for the first time in my life is that I am blaming myself somewhere deep down the heart for something I strive hard. Here again my strength is my weakness. I want to take the responsibility and I don't want to bring the concept of luck and destiny. It looks like a vicious cycle sometimes. A never ending process and never ending feeling! 

I know no battles last forever. I know I will win one day. It's not about when I will win over myself, Its about how much time I have to fight this battle within? No doubt, there is a constrain, time constrain. I can't live for even in this state of mind. I have to bring my self out of it. The sooner I do it, the better I will be. 

I have to kill that "Hope". I have to introduce the concept of "destiny". I have to abandon the idea of "responsibility". This is the cost of a misadventure. But I have to pay for it! The values I am sacrificing right now are dear to my heart. But its the heart that pains and cries in the mid nights. May be for once its too much but tomorrow I will be careful. This is the only pledge I can take at this moment. So that I wont be weak in future because of my strengths. 

Votes: 0
E-mail me when people leave their comments –

You need to be a member of MyEnglishClub to add comments!

Join MyEnglishClub