ESL Blogs

It’s been almost 3:00 AM. I never saw this time in my watch as much as I have seen in last 1 month. I can hear the minute clock running against time. I can hear my fan rotating incessantly. I know after 2 hours the birds will wake up, the sun will move above the horizon and my friends will knock my door for a wonderful morning walk in a lush green park. But my sleep is still eluding. 

I always knew that I am alone responsible for the decisions I take. I have to bear the consequences if a wrong decision is taken. I will enjoy the benefits if I take a right one. We write our own destiny with a free hand and take risks, sometimes imprudent and sometimes worth taking. 

Considering above principle in mind, I wonder what that power is which is stopping me from falling asleep. Is it the love (or may be lust)? Is it the ignorance shown by people from whom I expect too much? Is it an illusion that will fade away with time? Am I emotionally dependent on someone to this extent they the person can control my sleeps and dreams? Is it me or a slave inside me?

All I know is that it’s a difficult time for me. Sometimes I want to cry other times I want someone who can listen me patiently. Someone you can understand me and tell me, “You will be fine. It’s just a passing phase dear. The end will be positive”. And I know I have no one right now to hear me! Some nights you have to spend alone. Every mistake has a price, and you have to pay it. I am paying mine!

Over the years I realized that optimism is a big factor that decides the fate of your journey. Probably more important than anything else. This is the reason I consciously tried to be positive for myself and remain positive for those who surround me. But tonight when the hour hand and minutes hands or the clock make this right angle, I find myself in despair. 

I was a vocal supporter of being “free bird”. To put it in simple words – Do what you feel right. Never force someone to do things according to your greed and desires, but let them decide their needs and take their own decisions. I myself tried to practice this in my life. And to a great extent I enjoyed it. But today in this dark night I feel caged (Me the free bird). The feeling of helplessness increases when you see that your masterwho has caged you hardly bothers. But again I think I am alone responsible for my acts and my deeds. I kill that tree of complain and criticism against my master before it find roots in my mind.

I never really regret on my past, because it had both the moments – Good and Bad. I feel proud of those good moments and they always bring a smile on my face even on the toughest day. When I remember bitter days, I try to seek the experience they provide to me. The lessons they taught to me. The experience that I hold because of those days and somehow I feel the maturity those days brought to my life. But tonight I feel I have a lot to learn yet. I am not mature enough to control my sentiments, turn down expectation and certainly not mature enough to accept my failures.  

The irony is that my failure is not anyone’s victory. Even if I would share my defeat with my master, it won’t yield anything. Sympathy? Nah! Empathy? May be. But, I want her to say that “it’s a defeat for both of us. We both are losers in this game”. And I know it is not the case. You are a loser when you lose something. Certainly my master was more mature than me. She got courage to trash me whenever she feels like. She got control over her thoughts and acts. She too has some rules (right or wrong, I wont judge it) and she is nowhere near a compromise. So the defeat is single sided for sure. I am alone loser.

I put my hand on my heart, I close my eyes and tell this line to myself, “No victory is permanent, neither any defeat last forever.” It’s a state of mind. One night when I will control my sleeps, I will win over myself again. The bird will fly high in the sky and this time it won’t be caged by any ruthless master. 

And god forbid, if its caged again by someone else, it will not be alone. There will not be any master. There will be 2 birds caged together. Two persons spending their sleepless nights together. This time there will be someone who will cry with you for your defeats. A person who will laugh with you for your victories. A person who will listen you patiently and offer her arm so that you can rest there if your sleep betrays you. 

I know it’s a hypothetical situation (An open eyes dream). But I want to live my dreams in optimism and want to go with my friends with a hope, not with regrets of the alone spent sleepless nights. May be I am heading toward another bitter experience and the hidden lesson inside this story. I keep my fingers crossed and pray to my god to give me strength so that I can break the cage as soon as possible!