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''SEEKING 'ME' ''

It’s been a while since I wrote my own thoughts on paper…when I was in college till I got married, I used to write every now and then…but after my hubby died it seems that I lost my appetite for writing and then I made an excused that am busy or I need to do something than to write a stupid things.

 

  But here I am, seeking something inside me and boiling my feelings that I need to write it down, that somehow the pain I felt would just fade away… I was so shocked to learn that my mother is dead and the sad part is I couldn’t go home for several reasons. Its seven months since I left Philippines and I felt living like a year here in Thailand. I was so anxious where and how things will go if ever I will work here. If ever I could ever find what am looking for, for such a long time. I’ve been traveling since Fred died, left my son and be on my own, searching for something – till now am still finding my own ‘me.’ I thought if I left my country, things will be better as I thought to be. I’ve been happier here in my place, in the way, I’ve met the ‘people of God.’  They helped me a lot in every way they could. And I think they are God’s messenger to help me because I was in a messed. I told myself over and over again – that everything happens for a reason. And that there must be a reason why God brought me here in Thailand.  I was very delighted…not then when I received the bad news that mom is dead. The feeling of losing someone lingers again. Honestly – this was not as bitter as my hubby died. But it’s hurt of course.

 

   With all the things that had had happened in my life for 25 years on Earth, I’ve said to myself that am so young to experienced all this things, this suffering inside of me. But when I reflect the things around me, I still believe that am lucky to survive and somehow to enjoy the breathing moments. And I’ve tried not to think all the painful experienced in the past and the present moment, instead I need to be thankful and be blessed for what I have now and for God has plan in my life for the future.

    My faith has been tested to the point that I want to quit to pray and to rely on Him. Sometimes I think its all nonsense, and pointless. Sometimes I felt hopeless and in vain. Yeah, I guess my ex was right – I was acting like a child. I remembered how we broke up for the first time and back together again, for the second time around; it really didn’t work out anymore. Because I was being ‘childish.’ Come to think of it – perhaps he was right, that am being like a child again. I’m not talking in the physical aspects but am talking about spiritual aspects; wherein my mind of knowing God is not ripe yet; not fully into Him; that am not growing up in my spiritual knowledge – of trusting Him. You know, when a child wants something like a toy or anything she/he wants badly. She will cry over that something and act bitchy because she/he couldn’t get what she/he wants. And now I realized just now – at this moment, while am writing this, that am thinking and acting like a ‘child.’

     I’ve wanted to pursue my education in a University for such a long time. When I got a job here in Thailand, I said wow; this is a good chance for me. Then, as I always thinking about my future and my son’s future, being a mother it’s normal to be worried about her kid. To make the story short, I got a scholarship program in an international University here and I was so delighted that perhaps this is what I’m looking for. So, I made every effort to visit the University to talk to certain people that are responsible for my scholarship and the people who could help me. I even thought that I could start this year, and been hoping so much to be accepted as a full time scholar. Unfortunately things didn’t work as I wanted to be. They reserved a seat for me, yes. They’d talked on how to help me and the committee made a final decision. It’s certain that I could be accepted by upcoming semester on January; on the other hand, there are still conditions that I need to fulfill in order to be a ‘real student’ of this University. Money. I need to pay 75 thousand BHT in every semester for 2.5 years that I’m going to spend there – free room and board, plus the food during the academic year. This seems not really to be a problem for those people who can afford this amount. But my salary is not even enough to reach this amount nor could I afford to save this amount for a couple of months before the school starts. I thought this is just crazy. Problems come up again – it’s all about this paper money!

    Why they couldn’t just give me a full time scholarship instead? And where could I get that for 2.5 years? Will I be on a diet in that long years to save money? If they just know what my situation is, perhaps they might understand. What should I do? I’ve been contacting various non-profit org and government agencies or universities local and abroad to find at least a sponsorship but to no avail. I’m stuck in nowhere…feeling lost. Plenty of questions popping out in my mind, but this is will not help me either. In addition, with my mom’s death, I feel so insecure, down and depress. What should I do?

     No one could answer me, not even God. I hope that instead of waiting for nothing, I wish He just shout at me, and say, ‘Hey Emma, don’t wait anymore because you cannot study there, it’s not for you so move on…’ but as my nature, am not patient at all in things like this. If I wanted something badly such as this one, I want it now; I want to know the answer now not tomorrow. But why God’s been holding the truth? Am I not deserved to know what the real score is? I thought my faith in Him is getting stronger or maybe now it’s failing?

    My Thai friend says, ‘Pray.’ And I said am getting tired of praying. I don’t think I meant it but that’s how I really felt these days. My mind is tired of getting things done and focusing on the things I want to achieve in my life. But I do remember, the Bible said, ‘Don’t be afraid; just Believe.’ – Luke 8:50.

 

    I know God talked to me all the time and tried to tell me so many things, but as a human being I usually failed to notice or perhaps I just neglected or overlooked the sign. So now, I ask God to show me the obvious sign so that I can make a right decision for my life and where to go next.

 

What about you? Have you ever ask God what do you want Him to do in your life? Do you really believe that God is really concern in every bit of your being? It’s never too late, ask Him to show the light and you will never regret. Dare to move.

 

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Comments

  • Andria, thank you.

    Sometimes, writing helps a lot to show what you felt. Whether we are happy or not - we can be ourselves through writing.

     

    I know God tested me a lot in this lifetime, I should be grateful for all the pain, because success is more sweeter when trials are overcome. Cheers,

    Emma 

  • Hi Junko,

    I appreciate the comments - I will not easily give up. Bless u 

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