ESL Blogs

Lately, I fell into the trap of being judgy.

I judged someone, so harshly that, he started to feel pain. I didn't know that I was causing that pain and it's my responsibility to ask for forgiveness.

I shared the story with my family, probably intended to view myself as free-from defects- human, free of deficiencies and all that stuff cause a human to be shamed, and afraid to speak out about it in public, I told them “ proudly and victoriously, that person……” is a bad person”.

However, it did not last long that instantaneous victory until my sister faced me with a question; which set the whole story to be told, she said “Rayan is that person really that bad, or this is just your reflection and your reaction of some attitudes or behaviors you don't like him to have.

honestly, the question came to me as a shock, it waked me up...I shocked as if I am completely unaware of my saying, what's more, I felt all of sudden, an electricity with 500v touched me, forced me to be awaken.

Knowing that you are Judgy person is a kick start to improve yourself.

Before I went to sleep while I was lying on the bed, thinking about the question for a quite long time, I've tried to close my eyes, and fall into a long-deep-sleep, apparently to run away from that inner voice, repeatedly saying to me…..” obviously the person who is a bad person, is not him, it is you!”

I've tried - helplessly to shut that voice up but I couldn't, which went on saying “who you are at this point to judge people? A prophet maybe? Are you sure God is satisfied from you now? “Do you know any background about that person and what he’s facing right now?”…… lots of questions, I reach the point where I felt panic, it was the worst unpleasant feeling I've ever experienced.

And God! It took me an hour to sleep. Apparently, the influence of that voice teased me to the point where I unconsciously sent a nice-apologizing text so quick, to an extent I didn't know I did it. Until I saw my finger pressed Enter to the text to be delivered.

Now the funny part here is, after I sent the text, I blocked the person. "So nice move"

However, the voice started to talk again saying: do you wanna escape from the fact you are a judgy person?, do you wanna escape from being rejected by that person In case he didn't accept your nice- apology text. I got back again and unblock him. To my surprise, right after I sent the text, I fell into deep-long-sleep,

Now, here’s the kicker! When the morning came, there was a text from him popped up on my mobile screen saying, " hahaha, please forget about yesterday, I don't feel you did something bad for me. Plus, I don't totally count that as a judgment, its okay, we are friends, what the heck! There’s no problem from the first place, why you did send that text, you weirdo!”.

I smiled, and cried at the same time, from the fact that we are human, kind creatures, we just need to accept each other without being judgy, and without noticing others people faults. According to the story of Adam and  Ave and what happened, I realized that If God want to create us, as pure-free of sins human,  he wouldn't take the efforts to do that, as he already created angles" those creatures without sins". However, we are human and we are totally different from those angles, In fact, the differences can be recognized from the moment, God created Adam. "Remember that story?"

Points I figured out after this great experience

1.   I realized that judgment is a reflection of what we don't want to see in a person, and ironically it is already on us. “Now you see!"
2.      I realized that I was holding some stuff on my shoulders for quietly a very long time, eventually, the time has come to put it down.
3.     Actually it's time to free myself from those idealistic conceptions,  and instead of blocking that person, I have to block those stuff, in fact, I jailed myself and it's time to un-jailed her, and I have to free her from thinking that “without sins, we are good, but with it, we are in real danger” However, I noticed, what’s dangerous here, is to restrict yourself to this theory, to lock yourself inside this realm forever, when, it’s totally right to be incomplete, to feel the ease if you did something wrong, and pat yourself saying “it’s okay, we are human, let’s try not to harm whom around us, and try again to make it right”.

You are Human means you are incomplete…..enjoy it! And learn from it

    The freedom here means to be who you are without taking the efforts to improve or adjust other people to suit you, and conditioning them to be right. Plus you have to know that this is totally not your job. In fact, your job is to look at yourself and unlock the inner power you have inside to embrace your defects and embrace” rather than tolerate” other’s people defects or deficiencies. Because if you don’t do that, you’ll find someone lurks you, just as you do to other people, and remember it’s a reflection of what we don’t wanna see on other people and already has being manifest on their attitude or behavior.

    One last thing, who knows maybe, after all, the position of that person in God ‘eyes is higher than yours.