I tried every way but eventually, I failed to be a Fairless English speaker.
I memorized thousands of words, phrases, appropriate prepositions during my last 10 years but I have forgotten most of them.
I joined many speaking clubs, Toastmaster club, FB group, skype group even currently I am running a speaking club by zoom eventually all are worthless.
I followed the suggestions of many experts but I couldn't figure out my problem.
Joined many social platforms like EcClub but these are not enough for me.
I had been staying alone hours after hours in a remote area(usually people don't visit ) just for reading loudly because someone said it would be helpful for correcting pronunciation but still my pronunciation is not perfect. I felt regret when someone does not understand my accent or meaning.
I recorded my speech and listened to it again and again but it was not helpful to me.
I stood in front of the mirror.
I think the source of all of my failures is only and only my confidence. I don't have it. I can't speak at the same time confidently & incorrectly (some experts advised me to talk as much as I can, I shouldn't focus on my mistakes). Because my personal definition of confidence is, Source of confidence is doing/saying the right things and the proper way. Because what people thinking about me does matter.
Do I have to change my definition of confidence?
Now I am collapsed, feeling hopeless & helpless. I want to give up right now for running after something that's not fit for me.
Finally, I have decided I will stop thinking about learning English, I will accept my fate that English is not for me, will accept that this is the maximum ability that I could do.
No one but me did injustice to myself. I made myself stressed. I forced myself to run after a fake light. I unfairly did compare myself with people who were better than me.
Hey, my soul? Are you hearing me? Please forgive me! I couldn't understand you at all. I promise I will take care of you from now on. I will definitely follow your instruction, your whispering. Believe me, I will be a very good mind reader from now on. Don't leave me! I will love you forever! Can’t you see my wet eyes? I am sorry, I forgot that you are my most precious and important part of my body. You are the source of confidence indeed.
However, I will continue what I have been doing before but for communicating not for learning.
Do you have any suggestions after all those things happening to me?