ESL Blogs

My dear friends! I knew you would present a few great expressions on my challenge but I didn’t expect to see so many! Sure, I can’t help adding a few from my personal correspondence as they are worth posting.

1. I can’t help wondering what you all are going to do with your brains! Hardly had I got over “resting the brain” of my favorite student, when you stunned me with a few new ideas. One of the greatest EC brains wants to RIP it! Yes, dear, it was a funny story but our learners should know we can’t rip anything like jelly. In the best case, we can blow it up! LOL! Another great lady needs “to OFF her brain” and to “SHUT DOWN her thinking ability”! People, your brains are not appliances, you can’t plug/turn them on and off! They are not devices or engines you can shut down. Well, it is not bad for a funny story but you shouldn’t speak so being serious!
2. “I went to feed my goats in the forest.” It is really funny! If I had the goats why to go to the forest to feed them? Cattle eats much and I would have to pull (I wouldn’t be able to carry) the bags with their forage to the woods! Isn’t it easier to feed them at the farm? When we take our cattle to the field we expect the animals to eat what they see or can find. So, we GRAZE them.
3. “I lead the goats to home.” I don’t know where to start from! TO LEAD is an irregular word. Its past tense is LED. We don’t use TO before HOME like “Go home”, “I came home”. But to lead a herd is something I like very much. A herdsman usually follows his herd not to lose any animal on the way.
4. “We went further into the depth of the shuttle.” Let me tell you again it is not that bad for a funny story but… I imagine that shuttle as large as a forest and as deep as an ocean! Dear author, are you  Doctor WHO?
5. “I found it inappropriate to sit on a coach.” Sure! It is really inappropriate to SIT on her! It feels much more comfortable to sit on her gravestone!
6. “I found out many books in the library.” A lady went to the library to get some books she needed. She was certain to know what books she wanted to take home to prepare for the exam. We FIND OUT some information we need by calling, searching, asking. But if we look for something, we FIND it sooner or later.
7. “The weight machine didn’t show my losing weight.” Sure, not! It is for weighing very heavy stuff! People usually check their weight on the scales but if they are off-scale we do need a weighing machine for sure! LOL!

So, here is my new nightmare! Enjoy!

My cats (Kuzyasha, Sonny and Bux) and a parrot (Rocky) had always been displeased with my walking only a dog (Jenny) and one morning they went on a silent hunger strike joined by Jenny who always supported everyone. As I was not used to silence and didn’t want my pets to starve, I decided to take them all to the forest hopping to be able to feed them there. So, I took a big bag with the dog food and a plastic bag with my lunch, asked Jenny to take a smaller bag with the cat food, ordered Bux to take the smallest pack with Rocky’s nuts and he obeyed! That moment I realized I was dreaming but I had no idea that a pleasant funny dream was going to become a nightmare again! Anyway, Rocky got onto my shoulder and I went out followed by Jenny proudly caring Royal Canin pack in her teeth and three cats walking in a single-file column. As my pets didn’t know the way, I led them to the forest looking back all the time trying not to lose any. I was about to wring my neck leading them across the streets with the heavy traffic but we reached the forest just in time for me to stay alive. I decided to deep some farther into the forest and soon we neared a clearing looking very scary and evil. My cats immediately dashed away, Rocky hid on the top of an old oak, Jenny stood dumbfounded with fear and I thought that my good intentions had led to no good again! However, I decided to find out what had scared my pets away and took a closer look at the clearing. To my great surprise and dismay, I saw many tombstones all around. I started walking and reading epitaphs:

“I rested my brain here forever. Rest in peace, my beloved one!”

“My head, removed but not reset!”

“My brain that went off when I ordered it to shut down thinking! I miss you!”

Suddenly my attention was drawn by the interesting bás-relief depicting a full glass of wine. I read the epitaph:

“Here is to my tricky mean brain I ripped! Cheers! I feel better without you!”

All that sounded so familiar that my eyes dimmed with tears and my brain was befogged with the only one oppressive thought: “WHY did I start teaching people if I couldn’t convince them of using their brains as intended?” I fell down on the ground and started crying bitterly hopping that my inconsolable wail would attract my pets and they would come back. I couldn’t stand to lose them like I had lost the greatest brains on EC!

But all of a sudden I heard somebody munch nearby drowning out the sounds of my desperate hysterics. I looked at the right and saw a young guy sitting on a tombstone eating and drinking. His face looked familiar as I seemed to have seen him before. I stopped crying, got up and came up to him willing to ask why he was desecrating the graves of the brains and heads so dear to me. I politely asked my question and he replied,

“Come on, Danny! You should know that to eat and to drink at a cemetery is traditional in our country, no problem! It is in the memory of those who passed away. Will you join me for the feast? I see you have lost your pets! Just start munching loudly and they will surely appear and run up to get some food!”

“Where am I?” I thought but automatically agreed as I was starving and wanted to have at least my pets back. I took my lunch and a bottle of good wine out of the bag and we started eating. My companion turned out to be right. No sooner had I started eating than all my pets ran/flew up begging for something tasty! We treated them from our table, opened the bags with their food and went on talking. My companion proved to be a great humorous person to talk to and we didn’t notice the sun go down.

He kindly agreed to help me bring all my pets home safe and alive and I proposed him to lead our procession because my neck was still hurting. As I was closing the file it was finally easy for me to watch everyone walking ahead!

When we safely got home, I recalled eating, drinking and doing nothing all day long and decided to check my weight as I always try to keep in shape. I stood on the scales but they went off and I thought if I was going to live in this country I would have to buy a weighing machine soon!

Hahahahaha! Enjoy!