ESL Blogs

My friends, the idea of this blog is not mine. One of our learners, our dear Bet, asked me why not to write a story based on the mistakes you all make in your comments, blogs, my tests and so on.  I liked the idea at once as I usually joke about your mistakes trying to show what you say.

Well, for you to understand my humor, I am writing the wrong sentences together with my explanations.

1. “I tried my pants”. This mistake hadn’t been corrected until I said the correct answer. To TRY may mean to TASTE and I meant I put them on in the store before buying.
2. "If I had known, there was the rain I might have taken an umbrella along" sounds very strange. It means I didn’t know it was raining that moment. How is it possible? Either I am blind and deaf or….? Besides, if I know it is raining I usually take an umbrella along with me.
3. I told about the car crash and it is obvious we all drove. One lady asked me: ”Did you really run so fast to save her life or you ran that much fast as she was very pretty?” In fact, I was driving fast while my car was running.
4. “I recalled that I forgot my laptop in the car being parked far of the front door right after I have entered the building.” If I don’t even say about other mistakes, this sentence means that I parked my car after entering the building and I parked it far from the entrance door.
5. Here is my wrong sentence on the test “The pants I tried in the store were little long and I thought I have to shorten them”. My sentence is wrong and I have already explained TRY. But I am a scientist, I am not a tailor. I can’t shorten my pants myself. Here is the “correction” I like most of all: “I thought I would have them short.” Please, tell me why to buy any pants and have them altered in shorts? It is much cheaper and easier to buy shorts without any alterations!
6. “Having held the books for so long she felt her arms became numb and she dropped them on the floor.” Oh, man! I can’t even imagine a woman getting rid of her arms separating them from HER body and throwing them on the floor! It is worse than my nightmares!
7. The last and may have been the better!  One of my female friends said I could hardy understand her as we are “of different orientation”. I do know what she meant but as a result she said that one of us is homosexual!

And now, I’d like you to read my story to realize what you really say! Hahahaha!

I opened my eyes but seemed not to have woken up. I heard the sound of the Niagara waterfall and couldn’t realize if it sounded in my head or somewhere else. It was dark in the bedroom although I knew it was time to get up. The electricity must have blacked out as I couldn’t switch the light on. I felt something lying on the bed, squeezed it trying to find out what it was, but it mewed shrilly and rushed away.

 “My cat,” I thought. I found something else. It felt soft and pleasant. I carefully smelled and tried it…

“Miaow!!!!” Full mouth of cat hair! Ugh, how disgusting! One more cat! I went on touching all around hoping to find some clothing. At last, I found it lying on the floor and started dressing still hearing the sound of the waterfall.

“It might be hangover,” I thought. “Why to take an umbrella? It will take too much room in my car and can it really rain during the rainy season? What a crap!” I came out and found myself under the heavy streams of the rainwater coming down from the lowering sky.

“Never mind!” I thought quicky getting into my car. “It is only one hour drive.”

The road was slick and dangerous. I was driving slowly but all of a sudden, I was overtaken by a car running like crazy. I could hardly notice its driver, a very young pretty girl who was obviously hurrying to the hell as there was a turn ahead! I tried to speed up, to catch up with her and to tell her about danger, but my car didn’t react. I just tumbled out of it right on the road and suddenly felt I could run as fast as Flash! What a great feeling! I immediately reached her car, pulled her out and still feeling her arms around my neck and her sweet kiss on my lips I heard her empty car crash round the turn! What a sweet moment! If there is such a reward, ladies’ lives are worth saving! She was alive, safe and happy seductively smiling at me as if asking about a date. I didn’t mind! But being a gentleman, I never go out for a date without taking a shower and changing. I tried to look at my clothes. As far as I saw them, they were wet and dirty, not to say that we both were wet from top to feet.

“What to do? To refuse or to …? Yes, I know…”I thought and, as I was  Flash, she immediately found herself sitting on the passenger’s seat of my car. We went to the store for some new clothing to change. I left her alone in the ladies’ wear and started picking out something for myself. I picked out the pants, put them on but they turned out to be a little long and I thought, “Why not to buy a pair of scissors and to cut off the extra length? Or, it may be even better to cut off some more and to alter them into shorts? I have seen scissors a few times in my life and I hope I know how to use them.” And I bought the pants, the scissors and started cutting off the pants while I thought it would have been easier to buy the shorts! But it was too late! The girl was waiting and I was going to be late for the lectures. So, we had coffee, I took her cell number and rushed to work.

Approaching the university I realized my lecture should have begun 20 minutes before. As there was no room to park at the entrance, I entered the building driving my Chrysler along the corridors of the century old university ruining its walls running over everything and everyone on my way trying to park at the door of my classroom. I did it! I looked back to see what had remained! Almost nothing! But there were my students in the room! I opened the door of my classroom, there was no one! I felt as if I had been Terminator!

I got back into my car, drove to the entrance door crashing everything on my way. I decided to put the end to the university making students dry their brains up! I decided to end my miserable life feeling great shame for making my students learn! I decided to do it once and forever! But I suddenly felt my legs getting numb. I couldn’t press the pedals, I could neither speed up nor slow down!

“Well,” I thought, “if my legs bother me, why not to get rid of them? I can press the pedals with my hands!” And I took the hunting knife out of my glove compartment, cut off my legs and let them bleed on the floor…..

“It is time to wake up, darling,” I heard the voice and felt the kiss of the woman I love. And I thought, “She must be of the same orientation if she is still with me”

“Nightmares again?” she sounded and looked worried. I kissed her back: “Everything is OK, corrected EC members’ mistakes late into the night!” and burst out in laughter. If only she had known what nightmares they were!

“Ready to do it again?” she asked smiling.

“Why to ask? You know.” I answered feeling pity for not being Flash to get to my work in a moment and to say “At last, I am in time to prevent you from making the same mistakes as mine" and I felt such a pity for not being Terminator to stop it all forever!