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Here is my piece of argumentative essay. Please give me some comments on my writing so that we can share ideas together, and I can improve my writing. Thank you every much.
"Health care service has become popular in our modern society. In some developed countries, the old come to live in old people's home with nursing services which are partly paid by the government. However, in my opinion, elderly people should live in their own homes.
Firstly, elderly people are offered better care when living at home. As a family only looks after one or two elderly people, other members can immediately satisfy their needs. Moreover, their children understand old people’s habits, so they can easily give the most suitable care. In contrast, in old people's homes, there are many old people while the number of nurses is limited. Therefore, they cannot get good care instantly. Additionally, many nurses only care for the old to earn their livings, so they are probably less enthusiastic than old people’s family.
Secondly, the old usually consider family as a good environment motivating them to live happily. They can enjoy the cozy atmosphere when having meals with their family or playing with their grandchildren. Witnessing their children’s success and grandchildren’s maturity always gives them a great sense of self-fulfillment. On the other hand, living in old people homes, they cannot usually meet their family. They probably feel isolated, which affects their health badly.
Some people may argue that nurses specialize in giving health care to elderly people. Therefore, they can play the role of caregivers more professionally than old people’s family. However, what old people really need is not only good care but also a happy atmosphere of family with their relatives surrounding them everyday. Therefore, family is definitely a better place for elderly people.
In general, family should be responsible for taking care of old people. By doing this, young people do not only help the old enjoy their lives but also express their respect and gratitude to their elderly relatives.
I have read your essay carely, thank your sharing~:)
in general, this essay presents a fairly clear argument with definited standpoint and reasonable logic.
hmm, I just have a few confused places below:
1 the old usually consider family as a good environment motivating them to live happily.
--> i don't think family can be as a environment , in my opinion, family have a good environment . hehe :)
2 As a family only looks after one or two elderly people-- family cannot look after elderly,families look after.
also, i think that the usage of 'family' and 'families' is unappropriate .like sentences :
-->so they are probably less enthusiastic than old people’s family
-->they cannot usually meet their family
I don't know if my suggestions right or not, hehe, looking forward your reply. :)
thank you for your suggestions. let's discuss a bit
1. comment 1: i think "enviroment" here is not a natural enviroment. So, we can also use "The old consider family as a good environment".
2. comment 2: I mean "There are only one or two old people in one family".
3. Comment 3: i agree with you. i have to use "families"
Thanks for commenting. Luckily, I havent submitted this version yet. Hehe, i will change it immediately. Thanks once again. Look forwards to your active performance on EC. BR